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Internet Forums and You

*Note to admins – this is supposed to be in Writing -> Satire but the system insists that it belongs in sexuality for some reason. Can you please move it?

As every self-respecting, Internet-savvy geek knows, forums are a fundamental part of what makes the Internet so great. A place where you can trade insults with people less intelligent than you (read: everyone) and give yourself a big pat on the back every time you lay the smack down on one of them, all in the knowledge that you’re safe behind a computer screen and an anonymous username. Well, unless you’re this kid. But if you’re new to this great phenomenon, where do you start? That’s where our Friendly Bouncer Handbook on Internet Forums comes in!

Step 1: Choosing The Right Forum For You

Naturally, your first move will be to find a forum to post on. This isn’t as easy as it seems. Most forums will be based around a specific hobby or interest, and unless your sole intention is to belittle said hobby in every post you make (see: Flame Wars and How To Not Avoid Them later on), you should pick one that at least holds some interest for you. Try to find a forum with fairly relaxed moderation rules, as forums where swearing, unnecessary insults and hardcore porn are not allowed are typically considered “wimp forums” and best avoided.

Step 2: Choosing Your Screenname

Once you’ve found your new spiritual home on the Internet and read through the moderation rules (how can you break them if you don’t know what they are?), it’s time to register an account. Fake details are encouraged here, since no-one really cares where you actually live or what your real occupation is. Claiming to be a “Homo Eradicator” from “the seventh layer of Hell” will win you e-points on most forums. Then there’s your screenname. If you’re new to all this, you might be tempted to just use your actual name here. Mistake! Not only is this incredibly uninventive, it also provides a starting point for would-be Internet stalkers. Pick a nonsense name with as many numbers as possible, preferably using a mixture of upper and lower case. “HoT1965gUyxxxLOL”, “cHaMiL1IONairE2k8″ and “Super Al” are all acceptable here. If you’re female, the number in your name must be “69″ and the wording should read like the Internet equivalent of eating a barrel of sugar, just incase anyone isn’t made painfully aware from your first few posts that you have breasts. “fwuffybunny69,” “blueyez69″ and “ineedsomesexboyz69″ are examples of how to identify yourself as a female poster.

Step 3: Posting

Now that the basics are out of the way, it’s time to get into the serious stuff. If you’re planning to establish yourself as the undisputed argument king of your forums, your first few posts can be crucial. Immediately getting into flame wars and attacking prominent members, while fun, is likely to see you labelled a “stupid noob,” which can be an impossible tag to shake off. Tread carefully here. Make a few reasonably intelligent posts to begin with, and give the impression that you’re going to make a useful contribution to discussions. Once they make the mistake of accepting you as a new member, the fun can begin in earnest…

Step 4: Flame Wars And How To Not Avoid Them

So, you’ve found your new stamping ground, given yourself a suitably ridiculous moniker, and been accepted into the fold. Time to start pissing people off, right? The beauty of the Internet flame war is that the potential is limitless. It doesn’t really matter whether the other guy has ever done anything to offend you: he has posted something stupid, and needs to be put in his place. Even if his post wasn’t stupid at all, he was probably thinking something stupid, so put him in his place anyway. Creativity is the key here. It’s not enough to call someone a dick or an asshole, so make up your own insults. A good starting point is to take an existing swear word and attach it to a random noun, e.g. “cuntface” or “fuckball.” It doesn’t really matter whether this makes any sense or not, the message being conveyed is that you hate this poster so much that real insults can’t even describe it. If the argument escalates further, you should also imply that your enemy engages in incest, bestiality or paedophilia, depending on which seems most appropriate at the time. Don’t worry about libel suits, no-one knows who you are remember!

Finally, if he still hasn’t learned his lesson by now, it’s time to man up and start dishing out some threats. He might think he’s a big man calling you names on the Internet, but he’s not going to like it when you threaten to come to his house and kick his face in, is he? It doesn’t particularly matter that he lives several thousand miles and two oceans away from you, or that you tip the scales at 110 pounds and have to be home by 7.30pm every night for your various allergy medications, on the Internet you are Chuck Norris’s big brother, and you’re pissed off. Again, be creative here. “I’ll come find you and give you a beating” doesn’t strike fear into an anonymous forum poster’s heart the same way as “I’ll beat down your front door with my massive cock then rip your head off and shit down your throat,” (this particular threat having the added advantage of referencing your superior penis size), and if you’re stuck for words don’t forget to mention you have an extensive collection of firearms at your disposal. He will beg for your forgiveness and accept defeat.

Step 5: Getting Banned

Now that you’ve cemented your place at the top of the forum food chain and no-one dares cross you any more, what’s left to do? Irritate the admins of course. What right does he have to tell you that pictures of women engaging in sexual activity with various species of wildlife aren’t appropriate here? YOU make the rules, no-one else, and he needs to understand that. No doubt he wanted to become a forum administrator because he’s bitter about having no actual power in real-life, and as he doesn’t have the physical build to be a bouncer this was the only option open for him to exact some revenge on the world. He probably also has a very small penis. You should point all these things out to him, and when the inevitable threat of a ban comes up you should accuse him of being “like Stalin, only more fascist” and attempt to incite the rest of the membership in a revolt against him. When the rest of the membership have no interest in mutinying (after all you’ve done for them?!) and you get banned, your penultimate move will be to create multiple IP proxy accounts and post “[Admin's Screenname] is a f****t” over and over again until you get bored, perhaps alongside some gay pornography (edited to include an arrow labelled [Admin's Screenname] pointing at one of the performers). Finally, make dark threats about hacking the forums that you have neither the desire nor the ability to follow through with. Your moral victory will be complete and you’ll be free to move onto your next set of forums!

For more humorous articles written by King Fergo and fellow satire writer Super Al, visit our Friendly Bouncer satire website.

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